Jalex: What I didn't know Chapter 1.

   It’s not really hard to explain but it’s not really easy. I’m so happy but in so much pain. Is that possible? Is it possible to be hurting so bad with a solid smile on your face? I’m kind of debating it. I look at my arms where I plead to cut every damn day. If you look at my arms you see some bruised up white kids arms. When I see my arms, I see a scrapbook of horrible memories. Every little bump and scar is a sign of my own self-hate and destruction. Every scar represents some horrid emotion I was feeling, some scary thought I was thinking, or some event that had the blood pouring on my arm. I can’t really tell anyone how I feel. I have to act like this cool kid, because that’s who I am. No one expects it from the jock. I have girls crawling at my door to kiss me but I don’t feel attractive. I have gigs lined up for my band but I don’t feel talented. I have people blowing up my phone but I don’t feel popular. I have good grades but I don’t feel smart. Well I mean… maybe my grades aren’t that great but that’s not the point. I feel useless. I’m the kid everyone wants to be, but I want to be everyone else. Actually I probably wouldn’t want to be a hobo living on the streets but anyone who is in less pain than me I’d probably swap for. It’s kind of sick… I know. The only thing I’ve been having lately in my music. Music saves my life. When I sit there with my notepad and just jot down these thoughts and turn them into a song it takes the world away. I’m in a band with a couple of dudes from my school. Owen is the star football player who just happens to also play the drum, Jackson is the guitar player but he kind of sucks so I don’t know why we haven’t kicked him out yet and then there’s me who sings and plays guitar. It’s really my only escape, the only one thing I really know I got. Music isn’t going to leave me, music isn’t going to go extinct. People leave, and people hurt but music can only explain what you can’t put into words, and give you a pep in your step. I took one more look at my arm before going out with the guys. Thoughts raced through my head.
“Do it”
“Don’t do it”
“You coward fucking do it!”
“No you don’t want to end up back in the mental ward”.
“A fresh new cut seems delightful”.
“Everyone will see Alex, you’ll let everyone down proving you’re a piece of shit”.

The thought’s raced in like demons of my own mind. How can you escape your mind? How can you fix the problem when you are the problem? To get rid of the problem I’d have to get rid of myself which is what I’ve been trying to do. But I can’t. I can do this, right? Maybe? I fell back on my head rubbing my eyes with my hands.
“Ugh” I let out a big sigh.
My mom came in knocking at the door, she had a big smile. She was really happy that I haven’t cut in a while, started going out again, and was acting more myself. Except my poor mother. Her happiness was a fake. I’m not acting more like myself, I just got better at hiding what’s really going on.
“Alex dear, your friends are outside in the car beeping for you. I think they want you to come out they’ve beeped about 80 times”.  She said laughing.
I smiled and grabbed my wallet and black jacket. My favorite jacket. It had two pockets directly slanted toward your belly button which gave my arm a gentle position to lay my hands in. It didn’t burn the scars. The fabric didn’t run up against the scars stinging them. Also the pockets were so big that when I start to feel nervous I can distract myself with the lint and things at the bottom of the pocket which is practically on big black whole.
“Where are you going?” My mother asked
“I don’t know yet, but I won’t be home too late”.
“Better not be”.
I rush down stairs and open the front door to fill my lungs with the cold fresh air and let it tingle on my skin. I see the black car with red gleaming lights not too far ahead and hear laughter coming from the inside of the car. I walk over with a fake big smile on my face.
“Aye, guys its Alex! Finally!” Owen yelled.
I laughed entering the car.
“Whoa man you took forever, putting on your make up?” Jackson said shoving me.
I squished myself in between three others, making me the illegal passenger in the back.
“Of course asshole, had to look my best for you”. I sarcastically replied back.
My friend Michael was driving. He had his big green varsity jacket on it. It said his football jersey number in big letters. He always wore it, reminded me of the jocks in those 80 movies. Except he was nothing like the jocks from the 80’s movies. Just some kid from Florida trying to prove he has a place in this world. I guess in his mind the jersey proves it. Lands his territory.
“Dude, guess we are going?” Michael ask backing out of my driveway, you know ignoring the road and all.
“The bar?”
“Nope!”
“The club?”
“No man, cousin Rico is out of town. No illegal shit tonight”.
“The airport to get Rico so we can actually have a good time?”
“Frenchies!”
“Frenchies? Dude isn’t that the lame 50’s themed ice cream place downtown?” I asked confused.
“Yeah man, but here is the catch! All the hot babes are going there tonight, its karaoke night!”
“And that’s what you think attracts the ladies? Karaoke night at Frenchies?”
“I already saw on facebook and twitter, there all going! And think about it… you can sing man. Karaoke night? You’re BOUND to get laid!”
“Haha, yeah” I said ending the conversation.
Maybe I didn’t want to get laid? Is that normal for a teenager? There’s just too much shit going in my brain. I usually spend my nights writing songs. Not having sex. How did I become popular again?
“Hey Alex, guess who else will be there?” Jackson said with a big smirk on his face.
There was a pause.
Then all five of my obnoxious friends at once look at each other and yell “SARAH HIGHLEY” And start laughing hysterically.
Sarah is a girl I’ve had a crush on for two years now, but she always has someone else. We talk sometimes. We even almost hooked up once. It’s just kind of confusing how so many girls want to date me, except for the one I want to date.
“Guys stop there’s no way”.
“Dude just do that fucking hair flip you do that always gets you the girls”.  Jackson said imitating my hair flip.
“I don’t think the hair flip works on Sarah”. Michael said laughing.
I started to blush. I don’t want Sarah as a one night stand. I don’t think they get that.
“Alright, alright guys. Stop your giving me a boner.” I said trying to make the conversation stop without being a bummer.
“Whoa you think she’s that hot?” Michael said still laughing.
“No. Whenever you guys talk about my hair flip, it just gives me a boner”.
Jackson sat there dying laughing with our friend Stephan. Then we pulled up at the ice cream that looked like it’d be featured in Greece. We walked in as a pact. Whenever we enter places the attention turns to us, this is why I don’t know why I feel invisible. Were the cool people. We are the ones people admire. Twenty voices I hear calling my name when we walk in, along with all my other friends. I smile and wave then put my hands in my jacket pockets. The room looks kind of movie like with so many people greeting you. All my friends high five others and everyone seems so excited to see us.
“Oh look, it’s the douchebags of the school who are here to get laid”. I hear someone say under there breathe from behind me.
I turn around and see a tall lanky boy I’ve seen around school before. He had blonde fringe bangs in front of his face and the rest of his hair was black and around his chin he had a light stubble. He had a white button down shirt and employee cap on his head that he was wearing not to the side but not quite straight. He was behind the counter and was cleaning ice cream chunks off it.
“Excuse me?” I ask walking over to his counter that smelt like Windex.
“Ah my bad, did you hear that?” he said, but his face didn’t show any care that I heard.
“Dude, what’s your problem?”
“My problem is that you and you friends wreak of cigarettes and Vagina and you’re coming to an ice cream parlor that you’ve probably never step foot in before, just so you can get laid”.
“Jealous?”
“I’m so jealous you get all the skanks of our school. I mean trust me I’d fuck a lot of things but not many people in our school”.
“Dude, aren’t you like a loser?”
I felt bad after saying that. I didn’t mean it. I know what it’s like to feel like a worthless pit of nothing. He stopped what he was doing and put the towel down and looked at me. We made intense eye contact for a couple of seconds and then he looked down and laughed.
“No, no I’m not actually. I may not be you and your crews’ definition of cool but I’m actually pretty fucking awesome. I’m just not an actor.”
“An actor?”
“Isn’t that what you are? Isn’t that why everyone loves you?”
“Nah man, I’m in a band”.
“I wasn’t saying acting was your talent”.
“Now I’m confused”.
He started to laugh and pulled out his phone.
“Hold up, I must google something”.
“Okay?”
His face then had a light in it, he smirked and did this little jump like a scientist when a new experiment is before them.
“Ah here we go, definition of actor! Someone who does not act genuine. Kind of like you. You put on an act. No one is happy all the time, and no one can possibly piss off so many people without having no feeling of it what so ever. Your ego is only so big on the outside because you don’t even know who you are on the inside. Deep down your insecure. That’d be the only logical thing to explain why someone would be such a douchebag.” He said glaring at me with interest for what my returning comment would be.
I guess he was right. Actually, it wasn’t a guess. He was right. No one had ever called it out on me before, especially someone I just met. I don’t think anyone ever thought of it that way. Or thought of me in that way. I stood there in shock for a couple of seconds. I kind of wanted to cry but I held it in.
“Whatever man”. I said walking away.
“Tootles, and you can visit our website to rate how your customer service has been today”. He said waving to me.
I walked into the crowd of the people over to my friend. They all turned around as I made my way into their little huddle.
“Alex! Sing something!” I heard from across the room.
I looked over and there was Lindsay, she had a mini black dress on and heat damaged hair from how many times its been straightened. She was standing on the top of the table making her announcement.
Then the whole room started the cheer, I heard my name repeatedly. The whole room began to spin and rotate. I located the mini stage with purple and blue spotlight hitting the microphone. Then I felt Jackson grab my shoulder.
“Dude give the ladies what they want!” He said
The whole room cheered and all the girls were standing up whistling. I then saw the boy I spoke to just before who had his back against the wall in the corner near the cash register with a sarcastic look on his face, he was twisting a straw in circles and was looking straight at me. I gulped. I never had to tell anyone they were judging me, and then kind of make it obvious they hated me. I was so used to that only being my mind telling me that. Everyone’s always telling me how great I am. One person hoping for me to fail made me feel like I was going to fail. I never doubted my music, why was I doubting it now? I then shook of the feeling and smiled.
“Alright everyone, I guess I’m just a people pleaser.” I said proudly as I made my way up to the stage.
There were no instruments this time, no band backing me up. I don’t know why my stomach was in knots. I’ve preformed without my band before. It was just karaoke night anyways. There were no big shot people here. Why was I so anxious about this performance? Was it because Sarah was here? Or the fact I had someone judging me in the corner. I stood at the microphone in debate. I knew no one wanted me to pick some lame song from the cd to sing along too. I know everyone expected something better, I mean it was me. Alex the best singer in the school. Duh? Ugh. With shaking hands I touch the mic.
“Alright guys, here we go. There are obviously no instruments on this freaking cheap stage so I guess it’s just me and my voice”. I said trying my best not to stutter.
All the girls stood up clapping and cheering. I did my hair flip and gave a wink.
“This one is for you ladies”.  
The spotlights started spinning in different directions. I looked at the crowd one more time. Then I began.
“He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes. Started making his way past two in the morning, he hasn’t been sober for days. Leaning now into the breeze remembering Sunday he falls to his knees, they had breakfast together but two eggs don’t last like the feeling he needs. Now this place seems familiar to him. She pulled on his hands with a devilish grin. She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs dying to get in.
Forgive me I’m trying to find my calling, I’m calling at night. I don’t mean to be a bother, but have you seen this girl? She’s been running through my dreams, and it’s driving me crazy. It seems I’m going to ask her to marry me”…
I continued on with the song. For once the crowd wasn’t cheering they were only listening. I usually save my slow songs for me in my room. Not even my friends have heard that song. But tonight I was in a weird mood, or maybe I just wanted to quit my acting job for a couple of minutes.
After the show the people cheered. There were tears in some of the girl’s eyes, which I found kind of dramatic.
“Aww that was so good Alex!” Lindsay screamed to the room.
Everyone cheered but that sour boy in the corner near the cash register. He didn’t look too amused by my singing. I waved to everyone then made my way off the stage to get some ice cream. I walked over to the counter.
A girl with strawberry blonde hair down to her butt that was working there ran over to serve me.
“Hi! I’m Rebecca! What would you like?!” She said with such pep.
I could never work at an ice cream place, especially if you have to be that peppy.
“I’ll take a Banana split please”. I asked, I got that because I didn’t have my glasses and couldn’t see any other options they had.
“I’ll be right out with that!” She said while going to the back room to prepare my Sundae.
I leaned against the counter browsing all the flavors in the tins. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked over and saw long blonde gorgeous hair, with the blue eyes with that special sparkle in them. It was Sarah.
“Hey Alex!”
“Oh hi Sarah”.
Don’t fuck it up, stay cool man stay cool. I repeated it over and over to myself to stay cool.
“That song was really great you did! I’ve never heard you sing a soft song like that, I liked it!”
“Thanks. I write a lot of them that no one ever hears, I guess I assume people like the more upbeat stuff”.
“Well I’d love to hear more of them sometime!” She said with this look in her eye, the kind of look in her eye that was like yup I want you in my bed.
“Oh yeah, um sure. Anytime”.
“Like… tonight maybe? Do you want to head over to my place after this? My parents are out and you can use my brother’s guitar.”
Is Sarah really suggesting she wants to hook up? I thought she was better than that? How am I going to say no though? It’s Sarah. Come on Alex, say no…
“Yeah, totally”. I replied.
I’m a moron.
“Awesome! I’ll tell you when I’m leaving and we can head out”. She said giving a flirty smile and returned back to her friends.
Then the girl came back with my ice cream.
“Um Jack, can you cash him out?” She asked.
The boy in the corner on his phone looked up. The boy with the blonde fringe bangs was Jack. He squinted his eyes and put his phone in his pocket and walked over sluggishly to the cash register. I walked over to him. His hands pressed multiple buttons on the cash register. I was pretty sure he’d charge me more than he was supposed to.
“You were good”. Jack said while still fiddling with the cash register.
“Are you complimenting me?”
“I suppose… but don’t get used to it”.
“Thanks man”.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now that’ll be $5.67”
I handed him my money and grabbed my ice cream. As the receipt printed out my breathing began to get heavier. My body started to tingle and I felt dizzy. A panic attack? Now? Really?
He looked at me funny. “You okay man?”
“Yeah, uh I just have asthma”. I said lying. I couldn’t tell anyone I was having a panic attack. Half the people probably don’t know what the fuck a panic attack is.
“Ah okay” He said nodding his head and handed me my receipt.
I turned around then turned back at Jack. I hadn’t had a panic attack in public in a while. I couldn’t run out but I felt numb. I saw Jack looking over at me.
“Hey man, want to get some fresh air? I have to get something from my car anyways”. Jack asked.
“Uh yeah sounds good.” I said following him out the door to his car.
He opened the front door and reached in and climbed through. I stood there with my palms against my head. I couldn’t breathe, my legs were shaking, and I felt like I was crawling in my own skin.
“Shit! I forgot it at home”. Jack yelled.
“Forgot what?” I said fighting to get the words out.
“Ugh nothing, mind going for a drive with me? My house is legit down the street from here. You’ll be back in like 5. I just have to get something I have to give to my boss”.
“Sure”. I said.
I didn’t know why he was asking me, I was sure he hated me. But it was a reason to get out of that damn ice cream place and away from the people so I wasn’t going to complain.
We got in the car and began to drive. I could feel the ice cream melting on my hand because I couldn’t eat it yet due to my throat feeling like it was closing. Jack turned on the radio and then Tik Tok by Ke$ha came on.
“Oh yeah! This is my jam!” He yelled.
He blasted the radio and had one hand on the steering wheel and the other up in the air.
“WAKE UP IN THE MORNING FEELING P-DIDDY. GRAB MY GLASSES, I’M OUT THE DOOR I’M GOING TO HIT THIS CITY”. He began to chant while making bobble head movements.
He looked at me and opened his mouth wide trying to be funny.
“BEFORE I LEAVE BRUSH MY TEETH WITH A BOTTLE OF JACK”. He chanted and pointed to himself when it said Jack.
He did this throughout the whole song. Boy was he a character. Then after I looked around the neighborhood and noticed we were far away from the ice cream place.
I turned down the stereo “I thought you said you lived right next to Frenchies” I questioned.
“And I thought you said you had asthma”.
“What?”
“I don’t need to give anything to my boss, I hate my boss man”.
“Then where are we going?”
“I don’t fucking know! Ain’t it great?”
“What? Why did you drag me along?!”
“I don’t know, do you feel better?”
“Feel better from what?”
Then I remember. I was having a bad panic attack. I guess Jack’s over dramatic, odd singing distracted me.
He chuckled “Man, I know you were having a panic attack”.
I was taken back.
“How?”
“Because people with Asthma carry an inhaler dumbass.”
“Oh… so how’d you know it was anxiety?”
“Don’t worry about it kid”.  He said turning into the McDonalds drive threw.
Don’t worry about it? How would he know that? I was taken back.
“You want anything?”
“I’m all set”.
Then he ordered a meal for about twenty people.
“Is that all for you?”
“My body is a temple and I must fill it with its request, and plus rumor has it that this may supersize my dick”.
Is this kid serious? Who have I gotten into a car with? I do admit he was pretty funny. But still, he was also really strange and mysterious.
“So do you want me to take you back to your little group?” Jack asked.
“I guess”.
“It’s a yes or no question. If you want you can come back to my house, we got booze. Or we can just play video games.”
“I don’t know, I was supposed to go back to Sarah’s”.
“Oh yeah, I forgot you’re an asshole”.
I didn’t have anything to comment back to that so I stayed in silence. Jack opened the windows. We drove for about 10 minutes with no talking, only the sound of the breeze hitting the windows filled the car.
“Do you ever just look around and question what you’re doing here? Like what is this? The world is pretty beautiful but how come the people feel so ugly? We’re all just people. You know? Not to get all random and deep on you bro, it’s just sometimes on the nights like these where the sky is dark but lit up by many stars I just zone out and have these deep thoughts”. Jack said.
I think he expected me to say some jerky remark, or to judge him for his thoughts. But I didn’t judge them at all.
“I wonder things like that all the time.” I replied
Jack smiled, and continued to look out the windows. My eyes suddenly felt heavy. Something about the stars in the sky was actually calming. I never really noticed them till Jack mentioned them. I finally got out of my head by looking at the stars. I noticed how they were all different, and how they all shined out. I never noticed how a certain darkness was needed to the stars, because the stars always come out on the darkest nights. Before I knew it I was blinking a lot, then finally my eyes were shut and I fell fast asleep.